I have not posted here for a while. I have kind of hit the bottom in a few areas of faith. I’m not sure why. Things were going well, or so it seemed. I was reacquainting myself with a very nice man, whom I knew in high school and it looked very promising. His phone broke, and he messaged me on fb and told me he promised me he was thinking of me but his phone would be fixed the next day and he would call.

That was fine.It happens to all of us. But what happened to me was….I am not sure. Not like me I guess is all I can say. I had asked my dad to approach my youngest about the idea of finally sitting down and talking with me about what happened last July…Mother’s Day was running up on my and my depression of being separated from my girls was worse on Mothers Day than any of the other holidays.

The depression, the anxiety of waiting on Sara’s answer, my soldier not calling or texting….I started feeling worthless, I can’t even tell you how many times ( I don’t think it was many) I texted this man, and I was concerned, I know that, I never meant to sound anything other than that, but I am sure to him I did. He is really shy and really sweet and I am positive I scared him to death with him thinking “this girl is NUTS”……and I am kicking myself because I was really, really liking him a lot and totally blew that. Seems like I always blow something
Then Mothers Day, ……nothing from the girls…..started a nose dive into depression………and last but not least……..my daughter said probably not going to talk to me, would have to think long and hard about it. You know I could get my court appointed attorney and get my supervised visitations, and make her see me, but do I want to make her? Or do I want to let her decide on her own she wants to? I am really praying about it now, I was dwelling on this……maybe I should just tell people my kids are dead. Then I don’t have to go through the whole thing of all the lies that were told, all the pain I am going through on a daily basis and defend myself to total strangers.

But I love my girls. I gave them my all.Just because they are feeling entitled because I was trying to instill respect and discipline and they didn’t get their way and are still sulking, does not mean I am to give up on them.

Yes I am sorry for how it all happened, but it is what it is. We all have to move forward.This last week has been about the worst since it has happened last year because I felt I was dying inside all over again, losing them again, when there was supposed to be a ray of hope things should have been better by now……….. All of that to say this…..never lose faith, never lose hope and when good guy says he will call you…..just wait it out….take him at his word and don’t panic…….I might be talking to my soldier if I had.

I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me! You can do it; you’ve got what it takes God. Psalm 40:17 (Msg)
“I am in deep trouble Lord! Rush to my aid, for only you can help and save me.”
Psalm 70:5 (LB)

Jesus warned us that we’d have problems in the world. No one is immune to pain or insulated from suffering, and no one gets to skate through life problem-free. Life is a series of problems. Every time you solve one, another one is waiting to take its place.

Peter assures us that problems are normal, saying “Don’t be bewildered or surprised when you go through the fiery trials ahead, for this is no strange, unusual thing that is going to happen to you.” (1 Peter 4:12 LB) God uses these problems to draw you closer to himself. The Bible says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 NLT)

Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days — when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you’re out of options, when the pain is great, and you turn to God alone. It is during suffering that we learn to pray our most authentic, heart-felt, honest-to-God prayers. When in pain, we don’t have the energy for superficial prayers.

Joni Eareckson Tada notes, “When life is rosy, we may slide by with knowing about Jesus, with imitating Him and quoting Him and speaking of Him. But only in suffering will we know Jesus.” We learn things about God in suffering that we can’t learn any other way.

God could have kept Joseph out of jail, kept Daniel out of the lion’s den, kept Jeremiah from being tossed into a slimy pit, kept Paul from being shipwrecked three times, and kept the three Hebrew young men from being thrown into the blazing furnace, but he didn’t. He let those problems happen, and each of those people were drawn closer to God as a result.

Problems force us to look to God and depend on him instead of ourselves. Paul testified to this benefit: “We felt we were doomed to die and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves; but that was good, for then we put everything into the hands of God, who alone could save us ….” (2 Corinthians 1:9 LB) You’ll never know that God is all you need until God is all you’ve got.


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