PRAY TO BE BROKEN

In our daily life we face many struggles and in an instant life can be altered; a car accident, death,severe weather damage, terrorist  attacks, riots and on and on. It could be a diagnosis of cancer that strikes unexpectedly. That happened to me.Here is my story.

I was 33, separated from my husband, we had been married for 13 years at that time and had 2 children ages 11 and 3, and I was in school full-time and working a full–time job! My husband had been unfaithful many times during our marriage and had an addiction to porn ( which is on public record in our custody battle) and my last straw……….after putting up with the fact he ha a girlfriend the entire time I was pregnant, he raped me. How far of a stretch is it to go from raping your wife to molesting your daughters? So I packed my stuff up and left.

I moved about 4 blocks down the road in a 4 apartment building because my oldest daughter did not want to come with me. It broke my heart.She thought if she left him he would leave and she would never see him again because of things he did to her while we were separated. He would promise to pick her up and take her places or have her spend the weekend with him then would not show up. So I waited until she figured out  there were good reasons why I left.

I was having heavy periods that lasted for 26, 32, 15, 17 days at a time with  5 or 6 days in between and it was exhausting me. I was worn out. Between working and school and being a mom and dad I was about spent. I want to the  doctor and told him I needed the  Depo shot. It makes you not have a period. He said, “Okay Miss 4.0, when did you get our Ph.d in Medicine? I will give you the shot but you need a pelvic exam and we are going to run some tests.” So I told him whatever you need to do lets just do it.

Now the doctor  had been the  doctor of about my whole family and there is plenty of us. We are good friends. My oldest daughter was in class with his son at school and graduated with him so we had a friendship as well as doctor/patient relationship. Four days later, I get a call at WORK………from my doctor! Now if you get a call, at work, from your doctor, it is SERIOUS! He said ” Hey Miss 4.0 (I worked very hard in school and had a perfect 4.o grade average), I need to tell you something……….you FAILED your pelvic exam! But you are not going to die! Don’t get all worked up when I tell you  this because we caught it in TIME! But you have CERVICAL CANCER!”

I was numb. It was in me.Growing. How did he know I wasn’t going to die? Then he proceeded to tell me I had an appointment with an oncologist the next day……..the next day? If I am not going to die why are we rushing this? What do I tell my family? I can’t tell them. My  kids couldn’t handle it with the separation and everything going on.I wrote all the information down, hung up the phone, and stood there. My boss asked me what was wrong because  she was the one who told me my doctor was on the phone. I told her I had cancer and could I please go home.

Broken. Shattered. I got home and laid down on my bed and looked at the ceiling and cried out to God……WHY? I cannot TAKE ANY MORE! I cried and I prayed and I cried and I prayed. I was just broken and shattered. Please God put me back together. Mend me. I needed healing and answers. Why was all this bad stuff happening to me? I was being as good as I could.Why God Why?

I didn’t tell anyone that day. I went to the doctor the next day. He did an exam and brought me some paper work to read. It was about HPV. here is an excerpt from the CDC:

How is HPV spread?

You can get HPV by having vaginal, anal, or oral sex with someone who has the virus. It is most commonly spread during vaginal or anal sex. HPV can be passed even when an infected person has no signs or symptoms.

Anyone who is sexually active can get HPV, even if you have had sex with only one person. You also can develop symptoms years after you have sex with someone who is infected making it hard to know when you first became infected.

Does HPV cause health problems?

In most cases, HPV goes away on its own and does not cause any health problems. But when HPV does not go away, it can cause health problems like genital warts and cancer.

Genital warts usually appear as a small bump or group of bumps in the genital area. They can be small or large, raised or flat, or shaped like a cauliflower. A healthcare provider can usually diagnose warts by looking at the genital area.

Does HPV cause cancer?

HPV can cause cervical and other cancers including cancer of the vulva, vagina, penis, or anus. It can also cause cancer in the back of the throat, including the base of the tongue and tonsils (called oropharyngeal cancer).

Cancer often takes years, even decades, to develop after a person gets HPV. The types of HPV that can cause genital warts are not the same as the types of HPV that can cause cancers.

WOW!!!!! Well I have cervical cancer. My husband had been unfaithful many times and now I have cervical cancer. Thank you for that. Nice parting gift. Anger. Deep anger.I am sitting in the doctor’s office, steaming with anger and bitter resentment. I go home lay on my bed and SCREAM!!!!! I am so ANGRY!!!!!!!!! I have to have surgery in three days and I am an  angry, bitter, broken, shattered mess! Now I have to tell my family something. I ask them to all be there at my mom and dads house for dinner so I could tell them something. We had dinner and  I just sat there. My mom said “okay., what is it?” So I said, “I really don’t know how to tell you this, but I am not going to die so they tell me because we caught it in time, but I have cervical cancer and I am having surgery in 3 days and I need you to keep the girls while I recover and get them to school and back.” Silence.No one said anything. What do you say? Later on my dad told me he loved me and it would be okay, not to worry, God would take care of me.

The next day when we woke, my oldest daughter came up to me and looked me straight in the eyes and said , “Mom, God told me, you are going to be okay and  you are not going to die. This is just a trial. You can’t have testimony in your life for God if you don’t have trials and this is just another bump in your road. You will get over it and use it later on down the road.”

There you have it. I needed answers and God gave them to me through my daughter. You cannot have testimony to give to prove how God works in your life, unless you let Him break you. Break you into millions of pieces. Then let Him build you back stronger and better than you were before! Every single time you are broken and shattered, PRAISE HIM! He is using you for HIS GLORY! He is putting you back together to make you  a better disciple here on earth! When you  are broken and you see how God puts you back together and as He is doing it, you are sharing that with others and praising God for the opportunity, you will SHINE in His Glory!

The proud looks of man shall be brought low, and the haughtiness of men shall be humbled; and the Lord alone shall be exalted in that day. Isaiah 2:11

None of us are where we need to be, but, thank God, we are not where we used to be. Don’t look at what you are going through right now; look at the person you are becoming. We are always in the process of becoming like Christ (see 2 Corinthians 3:18).

Brokenness hurts, but the alternative is much worse. The Word says, Haughtiness comes before disaster, but humility before honor (Proverbs 18:12). Pray to be bendable, pliable, and mold-able so that you will be more like Christ in all that you do today. Pray to be broken so that the Lord may be ex¬alted in your life.

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Hello world!

It was just time for me to branch out and reach more people than just on Facebook. I have a lot to say about my walk with Christ and the things that He has done for me in my life and not really a venue for it. I am not perfect by any means but I do love Jesus with my whole heart and want to share that love with as many people as I can and what better way than the internet? I do my very best work as a teacher, mostly in discipleship, so it is my hope that this will be an inspiration to someone. I love music, poetry, scripture, art..there are many ways to inspire and encourage people. I would love to see the feedback become involved and woven into the fabric of human hope. There is not enough positive uplifting today and the negativity supercedes the good deeds that are recognized in the media.

Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to our interactions in the future……I leave you with my Anthem……